Finally, together in one place, the moderately anticipated collection of “book tour tips” I posted on Twitter over the course of the last week:

-When stuck in a long security line, a repeated cry of “Let me through–I’m a novelist!” will move you right to the front.

-You’re free to travel with your own margaritas, as long as you carry them in one-ounce shampoo bottles.

-Tour escorts’ duties are very different from those of other kinds of “escorts.”  But it never hurts to ask.

-Find ways to mention your book: “What a cute baby!  I’ll bet he weighs less than a copy of my new novel, THE NOBODIES ALBUM!”

-Local hoboes can often be bribed to fill out the audience at a poorly attended reading.  They may even ask questions!

-When watching a customer browse a bookstore, there’s nothing wrong with implying that Stieg Larsson’s books may cause cancer.  (This one raised some controversy with, like, one random guy.)

-When signing a book, write something embarrassing in it.  This will prevent the recipient from trying to sell it used.

-A book tour is tightly scheduled.  Make the most of your time by indulging in an in-flight pedicure.

-Be flexible. Not all bookstores will be able to accommodate your request for a WWF-style entrance.

-The minibar is there for a reason.

-At readings, get the audience on your side. They don’t know that your character doesn’t really yell “Go Red Sox!” on page 12.

-Stay in character.  When you call home, have your kids ask you a few questions about narrative voice.

-Airplane bathrooms are an untapped advertising resource: “As a courtesy to the next passenger, please BUY THE NOBODIES ALBUM.”

-When boarding a plane, make sure all flight attendants know there’s a novelist on board, in case of emergency.

-Book all plane tickets and hotels under a pseudonym, in case you become famous during the tour.

-At a wine and cheese party, it is perfectly acceptable to empty unfinished plates and bottles into Ziploc bags for later.

-In lieu of payment, most restaurants will accept your sincere promise that your publisher will get the money to them.

-Clerks at airport newsstands are always delighted to explain why they don’t have your book.

-In interviews, begin every answer with “In the immortal words of the ‘Sometimes When We Touch’ guy…”

-If a store doesn’t have your books, go ahead and sign Nora Roberts’.

-With all of the recent advances in technology, there’s no excuse for not knowing your Amazon rank at any given moment.

-In-flight writing exercise: Choose an item from the SkyMall catalog and try to imagine a character who might actually use it.

-Some writers may experience fatigue, crankiness and self-loathing. For more details, please consult your publicist.

-While you’re on the road, you’re functioning as an Ambassador of Literature. This means you can pretty much park anywhere.

-On a long flight, listen to the audiobook of your novel. If there isn’t an audiobook, it’s a good time to record one.

-You may find something called an “intimacy kit” in your minibar. That’s not for you.

-And the last one: When you stop finding humor in the book tour, it’s probably time to go home.